apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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