Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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