Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
