Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
