Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
