I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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