I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
