Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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