So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
