I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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