and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
