2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
