Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
