So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
