FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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