Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Randomize
