Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
