is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
