i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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