I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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