I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
