my phone needs a breathalizer
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
