your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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