We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
