I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
