How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is it because I queefed?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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