Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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