so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
