her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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