He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
