Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
