I wish I could teleport
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
