i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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