Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
