Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
