i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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