I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
