I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
