What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
