Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
