Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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