seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i believe in u and ur pee
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
