3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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