Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
