I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
