did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
