i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
