you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
