What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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