peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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