remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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