peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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